This weekend I had a great surprise in my inbox. After closing out all outstanding submissions on a work in progress I was content on shelving, I got a request for a full. This wasn't my first request for a full, but this one felt different. I didn't feel the tingle of excitement mixed with fear. I didn't feel the compelling need to send it off right away. I felt dread. Pure dread.
Instead of announcing it to the world that moment, I cried. I cried. Thank heavens I was by myself or my family would think me nuts. They'd probably wonder why I'd subject myself to tears. Wasn't this a success? Shouldn't I be happy? Am I totally nuts?
Thank heavens I was able to instant message a fellow writer who happened to be online at the precise moment I needed her and she didn't ignore my call of insanity. She reminded me that there is no "should" on how to respond. "It is what it is." And she reminded me that I had a choice to say no.
I had to rethink why I started this plight towards publication. I am a writer because I write and I am content with that...and that is totally okay. I realized that publishing is an extra incentive to do what I do: to share my work with the world and hope to inspire others. It is why I allow fear to settle over the pit of my stomach when I hit send to a query, why I allow doubt to creep up on me, why I choose to cry.
Needless to say, I will be sending out the full with words of a wise friend to keep me grounded..."it is what it is."
Why do you do what you do?