Sunday, December 12, 2010

Query Blogfest

Jodi Henry is having an awesome query blogfest. Check it out here.

Here's my entry.


Dear Ms./Mr. Awesome Agent,

For seventeen year old Arianna Lopez, life consisted of taking care of her dying mother, work, and trying to fix up her screwed up friends, leaving little time to think about her nonexistent love life. Until her college plans becomes threatened by her inability to comprehend numbers, so she accepts tutoring from bad boy and annoyingly smart Marcus.


After their first tutoring session, she accepts his invitation and hangs out with him and his friends. The date turns deadly when they find themselves in a drive-by shooting which leaves one of the friends injured and Arianna holding a secret: she saw the shooter.

She soon finds herself officially dating Marcus after an unlikely encounter with the shooter reveals that the shooter knows who she is. And Marcus knows him.

Having already lost his younger sister to a drive-by, Marcus is determined to find information about the shooter, leaving Arianna desperately trying to save him from making a dangerous mistake. Realizing that love may not be enough, she breaks the number one rule of friendship: she rats him out to his parents.

It may be enough to save him, but Arianna loses more than just his trust.

SOME KIND OF TROUBLE  is a 58,000 word YA contemporary manuscript about the power of friendships and the growing pains of life on the streets.

Thank you for your consideration.

Me


Comments/suggestions/help!

10 comments:

  1. For me, Arianna's inability to comprehend numbers is way more intriguing than the first part of the paragraph. I would start with that.

    I don't see how the shooting ends up with her dating Marcus...sounds like she's forced into it for some reason...I would explain.

    If Marcus knows the shooter, why does he need to find out more information about him/her?

    Arianna rats Marcus out to his parents...about what? What did he do that was wrong?

    Be specific about what Arianna is losing - and make sure your antagonist appears at the end of the query. What's at stake?

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  2. For seventeen year old Arianna Lopez, life consisted of taking care of her dying mother, work, and trying to fix up her screwed up friends, leaving little time to think about her nonexistent love life. [I agree with Elena - this 1st sentence isn't necessary] Until her college plans becomes threatened by her inability to comprehend numbers, so she accepts tutoring from bad boy and annoyingly smart ["annoyingly smart" doens't sit right with me somehow. Not sure why! Maybe "intelligent" would work better?] Marcus.


    After their first tutoring session, she accepts his invitation and hangs out with him and his friends [This line is a bit plotty and I don't htink its necessary. You could just say "a (reluctant?) date with Marcus turns deadly". The date turns deadly when they find themselves in a drive-by shooting which leaves one of the friends injured and Arianna holding a secret: she saw the shooter.

    She soon finds herself officially dating Marcus [why?] after an unlikely encounter with the shooter reveals that the shooter knows who she is. And Marcus knows him.

    Having already lost his younger sister to a drive-by, Marcus is determined to find information about the shooter, leaving Arianna desperately trying to save him from making a dangerous mistake. Realizing that love may not be enough, she breaks the number one rule of friendship: she rats him out to his parents.

    It may be enough to save him, but Arianna loses more than just his trust. [I wonder if you've just given the end away - maybe have it so that it hinges on her choice, leaving the reader wondering if she will rat him out or not]

    SOME KIND OF TROUBLE is a 58,000 word YA contemporary manuscript about the power of friendships and the growing pains of life on the streets. [I think you may be better off comparing this novel to a couple of well known contemporary novels rather than putting in these general themes]

    I like your play on the relationship of Marcus and Arianna - can you play on it any more? I love a bad boy hehe

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  3. This storyline is very intriguing and I would totally read this. I have nothing to add to the others comments. Well done!!! :D

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  4. I don't read/write YA, and so have nothing to add to the first two crits you have already received.

    I found this engaging from top to bottom. What I would crit on is character and plot and maybe some flow issues. I dont' see anything I could dispute here.

    I would encourage you to listen to the people who read/write in this genre.

    Thank you for posting your query. I hope you get all the feedback you need to assist in your novel's publication. It seems you have a good start here.

    .........dhole

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  5. Thanks everyone! I'll keep working.

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  6. You need to start out with a strong hook, something gripping. Maybe jump right into the shooting on the first date.

    3p - how does an unlikely encounter with the shooter cause Arianna to be officially dating Marcus?

    4p - if Marcus already knows the shooter, why is he determined to find information about him?

    You need to end with a stronger hook as well. This sounds like a really gripping story, good luck with it!

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  7. Looks like you are getting some great feedback! I rarely offer feedback in comments, but if you'd like to send me your query I'd love to email you back with some feedback. This does sound really interesting! An intriguing storyline!

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  8. Thanks Nicole, Hook...working on it. Your questions help too. Thanks!

    Michelle, I may just take you up on that offer. Thanks!

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  9. This sounds like a really interesting story.

    I agree, I would start with the second paragraph for the hook, and move on from there. Everyone mentioned pretty much everything else.

    p3. omit 'soon'

    Great premise/plot. Wish you luck.

    J

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  10. This sounds like a very interesting book. I was reading about and thinking about when I lived in the bad parts of Hollywood and worked at Bank of America. We had bullet proof glass protecting all of us tellers but that didn't protect the innocent customers from getting robbed in the lobby. All we could do was watch.

    I like the story.

    I agree with the majority of your comments. Although, when I read the query I didn't get that Marcus knew the shooter did it, I just figured Marcus is friends with the shooter but doesn't know the shooter is his friend. I might be wrong. That's how it sounded to me. Maybe reword it to be clear.

    You could start with, "As if her inability to comprehend numbers isn't bad enough, Ariana Lopez is in some serious trouble.

    Arian's tutor, Bad Boy Marcus, takes her on a date she'll never forget and they become victims of a drive-by shooting.

    Not only did Ariana see the shooter, he happens to be friends with Marcus. With Marcus determined to find information about the shooter, Ariana does the only thing she can think of to protect him, she goes to his parents.

    In SOME KIND OF TRUST, my 58,000 word YA contemporary novel, Ariana learns the power of friendship and the growing pains of life on the streets."

    Always write queries and synopsis in present tense and novels in past tense.

    Good luck to you. Hope to see you out and querying next year.

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