Friday, June 18, 2010

Breaking All the Rules Blogfest

Elizabeth Mueller is hosting a Breaking all the Rules Blogfest today!   This is a first draft of mine. My pet peeve, amongst everything else--punctuation.  LOL  Don't care.    = - )


It was bright outside, the sun high overhead. It was hot inside the car. The windows were rolled up; the whining sound of forced air came in short drifts into the car through the vents.


I could hear the whining of an engine; the wisp of the air as we drove through an unknown landscape I was unaware of where I was and where I was going. I could feel the heat. Sweat drenched my shirt stuck to my chest; my hair matted against my forehead and then recollection swept over me in a wave that consumed me into a dark abyss. I could not focus; memories flooded in and out in tune with the darkness that bound me.

Was it possible to be both dead and alive?

My eyelids were heavy. My head felt like iron. I could not move it for my neck could not carry it. I could not move my hands. Pain rose up through my arm and into my shoulder; my legs were heavy and my face was numb. I could not feel the sun on my face, although my eyes squinted in the light; I could not feel the air in my face although I could hear it against the car; but I could smell the blood.

10 comments:

  1. Hey, that's not bad! It is a first draft, after all...it feels a little abrupt at times but it works all in all.

    I particularly like the "but I could smell the blood" at the end. ; P

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  2. Mmmm, I want to know a bit more about what's going on.

    Was it possible to be both dead and alive? Good line. If it's any sort of zombie, vampire sort of novel, then zep, it's possible. hee hee. Fun beginning.

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  3. Good intro! It caught my attention. What happens next? What happened before? I'm very interested...

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  4. Hi, I'm glad you like it. All in all... = -) It's actually the beginning of a story I was working on. The woman was actually abducted. No paranormal stuff, sorry. Thanks for commenting!

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  5. A lot of good showing instead of telling in this passage. Good job with that.

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  6. It's short but grabs the attention. There are part where I'm not sure what's going on, but in rewrite and having the rest would clear that up easily. It's really not bad.

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  7. Thanks. I kept it short because I had my notes on the document. Don't think you wanted to read all that mumbo jumbo.

    My punctuation is all over the place and I do tend to favor the (;) for no good reason. I would love nothing better than to ignore all grammar and punctuation rules when I write. That would be bliss!

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  8. Wow, this is very intriguing! I wonder how the POV character was driving through vistas unknown safely then suddenly dying? Wow, I want to know more!

    Thank you for participating in the blogfest, I really appreciate it!!
    :)

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  9. Hee hee.
    I totally cannot picture the scene.
    It's 100% telling.
    Bad job! :)
    Try rewriting it without using the word 'I'. I bet it would improve 1000%.

    But good job being brave enough to post this!

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  10. Thanks! Bravery is a much needed trait in this business!!

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